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by Johnny Drama at . Comments

Because apparently the Internet is ten years behind in England, Lindsay Lohan was cast in a play on London's West End over the summer.

Though she was a little shaky at first (Lindsay forgot her lines and drew unintentional laughs from the crowd on opening night), LiLo has reportedly settled into her role as a ditzy Hollywood social-climber in David Mamet's Speed the Plow.

LIndsay Lohan Cannes Pic

Not a huge stretch acting-wise, but hey, she's holding down a job, which is more than we can say for most sociopathic junkies.

Well, she was anyway. Lindsay claimed she was "too ill" to perform yesterday, but her social media accounts tell a different tale.

"Sorry everyone but I'm too ill to perform and down for the count," Lindsay tweeted before missing a matinee performance on Wednesday.

The day before, of course, she was out and about in London, snapping selfies.

We'd say maybe she came down with something suddenly overnight, if it weren't for the fact that she miraculously recovered in time for Wednesday's evening performance, then promptly deleted the business about being sick from her Twitter account.

Sounds like to us like Linds was busted for being hungover and told by producers to get her ass to the evening performance or suffer the consequences. 

Sigh...so few things are consistent in this world. In a way, it's comforting to know Linds will never change. 

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

In case you somehow haven't heard, Kate Middleton is suffering from severe morning sickness brought about by a condition known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

Amidst rumors that Kate is losing dangerous amounts of weight due to her illness, the Duchess made a surprise return to public life last week when she joined William and the Queen to welcome the president of Singapore to London.

Royal watchers took it as a sign that Kate is on the mend. However, sources close to the royal family say the Duchess is still very ill, and the Queen forced Kate to return to public life.

"The Queen has been unimpressed at the amount of official business Kate has missed out on," a source tells the tabloid. "She feels enough is enough, duty comes first, and it was time for Kate to step up to the plate."

"Elizabeth's pregnancies were easy compared to Kate's so she doesn't understand how badly Kate's been feeling. She will always put work first and believes Kate should do the same."

So does that mean Kate isn't getting better, like we'd hoped?

"She has been feeling absolutely horrific," says the insider, who adds that Prince William has been pleading with her to get more bed rest.

Yes, royal bullying is apparently a thing. The struggle is real!

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

In case you missed True Tori Season 2 Episode 2, let us give you a brief recap:

It was a cringe-worthy mess, just like every other episode. It did have one unexpected surprise, however.

While cleaning out her warehouse (literally) of wildly expensive crap so that she can sell some of it to prevent her family from going bankrupt, Tori randomly decided to reach out to her ex-husband, Charlie Shanian.

Yes, amidst all the talk of Dean cheating on Tori, it's easy to forget that she slept around on her first hubby, then left him for Dean just 15 months after their wedding.

Dean's first wife, Mary Jo Eustace, has already popped up this season, so clearly Spelling-McDermotts have decided to mine their romantic pasts for drama now that the audience has had to endure an entire season of them howling at each other.

A cameo from Shanian would be more surprising than the Eustace pop-in, however, as dude retired from public life after his marriage to Tori ended, and it doesn't sound like they parted on good terms:

"Fifteen months into my marriage, I open the National Enquirer to see pictures of what appeared to be my wife giving another man a lap dance," said Shanian in one of his only interviews since the breakup.

"In the end, I didn't screw up she did. Well, some might say, she screwed down, but that's a matter of opinion."

Wow. We don't know much about this guy, but we like him!

Watch True Tori online at TV Fanatic to come up with your own trash talk about reality TV's worst couple.

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

Today in Sigh: Farrah Abraham has figured out a new way to be awful:

Farrah Abraham Sex Toy

Yes, that's the Benjamin Button of Teen Moms hawking plastic molds of her own vagina while dressed like a freakin' character from a freakin' Disney movie.

Why would Farrah dress like Queen Elsa to sell sex toys, you ask? We have no idea other than the fact that it's Halloween and Farrah is the worst.

Before you defend her as a single mom gettin' by the best she can, please bear in mind that Farrah made $544,000 from stripping last year. 

She also recently bought a $100,000 Mercedes Benz.

Yeah - that's just last year, and that's just one of her many revenue streams. She's fine financially; she just genuinely enjoys this crap. 

But obviously this girl was meant to be rich. After all, that's why God led Farrah to porn. Like we said, mom of the year.

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

If you watch 19 Kids and Counting online, you know that Jana Duggar gets routinely screwed over by her parents and many, many siblings.

According to insiders, at just 24, Jana is exhausted from raising children her whole life and has basically entered a state of premature spinsterhood.

Which sucks even worse when you consider that she's a total looker:

The eldest Duggar daughter's mistreatment has been worse than ever recently, leading fans and one dedicated author to start an online "Free Jana" movement.

Paul Lamar Hunt was also raised with 20 siblings and he recently wrote a book about the experience.

In an interview this Hunt spoke about the need to protect exploited children from ridiculously oversized family's like Jana's:

“Jim Bob and Michelle need to stay at home with their children and let Jana have her life,” says Hunter. “The children are not Jana’s responsibility."

"She is an adult who [probably] wants to have fun with her friends and go on dates,” he says. “She might despise her parents and confront them later on in life.”

There have been rumors that Jana plans to break free from her famous family, but sadly, we have our doubts.

Not only is it the only kind of life she's ever known, but given the Duggar's level of fame Jana would be a subject of constant media scrutiny if she ever set out on her own.

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

She may be still trying to weasel out of it, but at this point, there's no doubt that Teresa Giuidice is going to jail.

The only remaining question is: Will our inhuman prison system deny Teresa her basic human right to be fabulous.

Teresa Giudice

You see, Teresa has made a lot of demands since being sentenced. Apparently no one told her that's not how that works.

Anyway, Teresa asked to be placed in the prison that inspired Orange is the New Black (seriously), but that didn't work out.

Now, she's totally offering the Bureau of Prisons a chance to make it up to her, because that's just the kid of gal she is.

Apparently, Teresa is afraid she'll go bald in prison, so she's lobbying hard to get officials to bend the rules and let her rock hair extensions behind bars.

"Teresa has had her attorney inquire about keeping the hair extensions," a source tells Radar Online. "She will need to take out her extensions before beginning her prison sentence."

"She is genuinely afraid she's going to end up bald by the time she leaves prison in 15 months."

That's a serious concern. If she goes bald, she probably won't have a chance at landing a spot on Bravo's new series Real Housewives of Cell Block D.

Watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey online to see Teresa in happier, hairier times.

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

For months now, there's been a heated, ongoing debate as to whether or not Kylie Jenner has had lip injections.

Seriously, people on both sides had theories and very strong opinions on the matter. But now it looks as though our long national nightmare is over, as the latest photo of Kylie's lips leaves little doubt that the 17-year-old has had work done.

Go, ahead - click the link and prepare to throw up in your mouth a little.

We understand the pressure on young celebs to look their best, but good God - she looks like Angelina Jolie with a peanut allergy.

Of course, Kylie just turned 17 in August, and she's been getting injections for several months, which means her mom has been signing off on it.

But, c'mon...is anyone even slightly surprised? Bear in mind that Kris Jenner allowed Kylie to travel to Europe with Tyga - her 24-year-old boyfriend. 

We get the feeling the only time Kris says "no" is when her kids ask if they stop can stop being fulltime media whores.

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

It's no secret that Khloe Kardashian has had a rough 2014.

French Montana cheated on Khloe until she finally dumped him just last month. To make matters worse, she's still married to a different manipulative user.

Sources say Khloe tried to divorce Lamar Odom this week, but can't, because the dude is completely AWOL.

With all this going on, it's understandable that Khloe would feel the need to exert some firm control over at least one area of her life.

Unfortunately, an anonymous "friend" tells Star magazine that Khloe has chosen to take control of her weight. And as is so often the case, she's prioritizing being thin over staying healthy.

The insider claims Khloe only eats two days a week and drinks every night. Not the healthiest regimen:

"Food has become her enemy,"  a source close to Khloe tells Star magazine.

"She's constantly at the gym and eats solids only twice a week."

"She barely eats, but she's drinking almost every night. Champagne, vodka, tequila - it doesn't matter what it is, she downs it. She doesn't seem to realize she's not doing her body any favors...Khloe is at rock bottom."

Yikes. Now on top of everything else, she's either got Star magazine making up BS, or one of her friends blabbing to the tabloids. Poor Khloe.

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

All this week, Kris Jenner has been promoting her cookbook, and we can't help but think she could have used her time more productively.

Like, say, stopping Kylie Jenner from going to Europe with Tyga.

But hey, if Kris was willing to let her 17-year-old daughter travel abroad with her much older boyfriend just to plug her handy kitchen guide, it must be one hell of a book, right?

kris jenner book

Wrong! Oh, so wrong. To the utter shock of absolutely no one, it turns out Kris is no Julia Child.

The book is officially a flop, placing 5,184th on the Amazon sales charts. Fortunately, one good thing came out of it all: 

The reviews for Kris' cookbook are downright hilarious. Some choice examples:

"Surely this is a joke! I suspect the only time she's been in the kitchen is to kvetch to the caterer and get more vodka!"

"The recipes in here are bland and tasteless...I made the macaroni and cheese, and you would think with all the varieties of cheese it would be flavorful, but instead I got very expensive, inedible mess of oily noodles."

"Eat the book itself, it will taste better than the recipes within."

"I would rather read a cookbook by ISIS."

Yes, it looks like Kris may want to stick with her day job. After all, her kids aren't gonna exploit themselves!

by Johnny Drama at . Comments

As you may have heard, Kylie Jenner is dating Tyga. The relationship has drawn it's fair share of criticism because Kylie is only 17, whereas Tyga will turn 25 next  month.

Kylie Jenner and Tyga

Last week, Kylie went to Europe with Tyga to join him on some tour dates (and - it's been speculated - take advantage of the more lax age of consent laws). 

Needless to say, the trip resulted in some raised eyebrows and questions about Kris Jenner's parenting.

So if you're one of the many who have wondered when someone will intervene on Kylie's behalf, fret no longer - an unlikely team of allies has come to the rescue:

Sources say Bruce Jenner and the Kardashian girls are "extremely angry" that Kylie was permitted to take an overseas trip with her much older boyfriend, and they've taken their complaint up with Kris.

"Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney are all extremely angry because Kylie is their baby and they don't think she should be globetrotting Europe unsupervised," says a family friend.

"[Kylie] told Kris that she's going to help her music career and learn the ins and outs, but they simply don't buy it."

Of course they don't "buy it;" it's clearly BS. Only the most oblivious, self-absorbed parent in the world would believe such a...oh, sorry, Kris.

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